Okay, maybe lamenting is too dramatic a word. I feel like I'm stuck, though. I am spinning my tires, even while I do see the evidence of my productivity. Part of it is that I got behind in my online scrapbooking class. Today begins the last week--I'm so sad!--and I haven't completed last week's assignments yet. In fact, I have two more to do. Ideas are there, but I feel sluggish, drained. Pressured.
Not good, my friends.
One thing that saps all my energies is a situation in my life that has caused me great grief and aggravation for over a decade. Okay...since I can remember. Again and again, I am angered by this situation, and I have spent (wasted?) hours dealing with it, mulling, trying to resolve conflicts that seem to trap me in a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't dilemma.
Last night, as Daniel and I talked about the latest shenanigan in this situation, I felt prominently the amount of time and energy that I've squandered on thinking and worrying and trying to fix this thing that I have no control over. When other people are involved, making their stupid choices, there is only so much I can do.
Right?
Yet, I have to live with and cope with some of the results of those choices, and that's where the problems set in. I am trying to find a path through this and navigate the myriad of pitfalls. I am trying to be the better person, the person I intend to be in all areas of my life. Mature, compassionate, patient, understanding, wise.
At the same time, I'm so fucking weary of this situation polluting my life. There are times that, out of that weariness, I am so tempted to lash out and punish that it's hard to resist those very human urges. It isn't even that I am hurt, myself. It's that others are being hurt, neglected, walked on. It's that I'm expected to compensate. It's that I see all of these fictions from decades past coming to light, and others are feverishly sweeping those truths back underneath a rug that just looks like a giant mountain in the middle of the floor.
Is there an elephant hiding under there?
Now...where was I?
Awareness. Being aware that there's another way to cope, other options, even if I don't know what those are yet, is a big step, and I'm taking it every day. Sometimes, I feel like I need professional help to deal with this shit. Sometimes, I do alright, even if I do sit and question my own behavior and choices and words.
Love is part of it, too. If I didn't love some of the people involved, it would be a whole lot easier. But I do. I'm glad I do. I'm blessed to have people in my life to love, even if a couple of them make me absolutely crazy sometimes.
And that, folks, is probably the most common lament of all.
Copyright 2008 Melissa LaFavers