Independence

July 03, 2008

A few nights ago, I was hanging out online at a scrapbooking website that includes message boards, one that is specifically for non-scrapbooking related topics. A woman posted that she had lost forty pounds and wanted to lose another twenty. For the sake of clarification, we'll call this woman Mary, which as far as I know is not her real name. Mary said that there's a man she knows who told a friend of hers that Mary would be "stunning" if she were thin. Mary was not offended by this. She wanted to know if any of the other members of the website would be offended.

My advice to her was, basically, do not walk, but RUN away from this man. I also told her that she was already stunning, even before the weight loss, that she probably didn't know because nobody ever told her.

My post was categorically ignored. Other people jumped on the weight loss bandwagon, including a woman we'll call...Flaming Bitch because, well, I don't know her name either, and that is exactly how she came across. Flaming Bitch asserted that fat people don't have any self-respect, and that's why they aren't attractive. Anyone who knows me well knows I couldn't possibly let that ridiculous statement go unchallenged. And being the Flaming Bitch that she is, FB couldn't let me get away with bringing attention to the fact that she is a shallow and willfully ignorant boob.

The verbal vitriol flew, and it made me feel mostly tired. Weary of always swimming upstream, always being the one that doesn't conform, doesn't tow the company line, always the outsider.

In almost every realm of society, I tend to be "other." Not Christian, not totally atheist, not quite full-fledged NeoPagan (at least I don't think I would be considered part of that club by its members), not Republican, not Liberal, and not quite a total Libertarian either. I tend to be skeptical, and I tend to think for myself, and as arrogant as it may sound, I just don't see a lot of folks participating in those pursuits.

Recently, I read an astounding book by Melody Petersen called Our Daily Meds which confirms what I already suspected from my own observations along with other books I've read on the subject: the pharmaceutical industry and its influence in our medical industry is not to be trusted. Most people go to the doctor yearly, and I have begun to suspect that there's not much point in that for me when I can't be certain whatever MD I choose isn't on the pharmaceutical payroll in one way or another.

Add that to all of the other areas where I just don't think like the majority, and I'm beginning to feel more out on the fringe than I ever thought I would.

It's a bit uncomfortable, this not fitting, though I ought to be used to it, given that this has gone on much of my life, even in spite of my tendency to also be a people-pleaser.

I do have plenty in common with my closest friends, though they all live too far away to see very often. Minnesota, Texas, California, Oregon, Florida. Here in Michigan, I have a group of women with whom I get together to make paper crafts, but every one of them is Christian, and I'm not just talking about the kind of Christian that might check that box on a form. I'm talking about the kind of people who fuss when "In God We Trust" is imprinted on the side of a coin, rather than its face. I can only imagine what the reaction might be if I suggested, as I heartily believe, that the phrase has no place on American money at all since we're supposed to enjoy freedom of religion and separation of church and state in these United States.

Wonder how these folks would feel if the coin were imprinted with "In Allah We Trust."

And so, as I lay in my husband's arms the other night, I felt a deep weariness creep into my being. I'm feeling better now, and I have to remember that it's good to question the assumptions we're fed each and every day. When it comes to the issue of dieting, even as controlled as medical science is by special interest groups like the pharmaceutical and weight loss industries, researchers have still been able to discover and publish that many of the claims regarding weight--including that it is always desirable to lose weight, that weight causes health problems, that "overweight" people's lives are cut short, that all we have to do is eat less and exercise more to be thin--are false.

People do come in all sizes, but most people are too happy to continue to perpetuate these fallacies about weight for a variety of reasons. In the case of Flaming Bitch, I think it was fairly obvious from her assertions about self-respect that she enjoys feeling superior to fat people, and that's why she couldn't be the least bit interested in any opinion disagreeing with her own, even if it is based on verifiable evidence.

We human animals seem to have a deeply rooted need to belong. Perhaps that is because at one time in our evolutionary history being part of a group helped to secure survival. In our modern age, the need to belong seems a lot more psychological and a bit less imperative. I think it's easier to be part of the crowd. Many times when I've been faced with the weariness of trying to explain my point of view to a Christian or a weight loss fanatic, I've thought, "Wouldn't it be easier to at least pretend to go along?"

Easier, maybe. Not something I'm willing to do. I believe that there's more of necessity in our society to stop going along because it's easier and be an independent thinker, someone who questions and doesn't just accept what the government and the media and everyone on some message board is saying.

More and more, we've got information at our fingertips, but we need to be responsible for determining if that information is tainted or not. It's so easy to manipulate people, especially using fear. We all want to belong and be safe. But safety comes with a high, high price, even the safety of being acceptable to my peers. I don't want to sacrifice the freedom of my mind in order to belong, to fit in.

I went to a Christian school in Tyler, Texas, from the last half of fifth grade through my freshman year of high school. For many reasons, it was horrible. Perhaps that's when I was first introduced to the ramifications of not belonging. All but a couple other students were from wealthy families. Their fathers were doctors, dentists, lawyers, radio station owners, businessmen. My father was a machinist, and although it was honest work he totally enjoyed, it didn't provide the same income level as the other professions. I was "poor," and my classmates and schoolmates never let me forget it for one moment. Not one. I was an outcast because my folks shopped at K-Mart instead of Neiman Marcus or whatever was the new posh flavor of the month in shopping. Bottom line, I wasn't good enough. I was rejected because of things I couldn't possibly control, and I quickly understood that I didn't want to be part of such a cruel and ugly group of people.

I also learned that I wasn't only rejected because of my social status. These kids needed someone to hurt, and I was the new kid. They probably thought I was weak, but I turned out to be the strongest one. I endured their shenanigans for four and a half years, and that experience certainly instilled in me the value of independence. It hurt, and it did a lot of damage to my self-esteem, but when I look back to those difficult years, I see an emerging young woman finding the strength to rise above what ignorant people will do so that they don't have to face their own fears.

So as we head into celebrating American independence, I'm thinking about what it means to be individually independent, and I think the two tie very well together. Group mind can sometimes accomplish good things, but it takes independent thinking to make that happen. Independence is both the cornerstone and result of freedom.

Happy July 4th! May we always strive for independence.