Yesterday, I took a deep breath and went to the doctor.
I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it!
Blech.
Okay...that's out of my system, I can continue.
After lunch with Daniel, I took myself to a movie. It felt like what I needed to recover from the morning's self-exposure to a complete stranger. I sat by myself with water and a small popcorn and watched a movie that was about friendship.
When I was a kid, I frequently lamented my lack of friends to my mother, who patiently explained to me that there are circles of friendship. The outer circle contains those we fancy but don't see very often. The next circle is the group of folks we see on a regular basis, perhaps, but only for brief moments and casual conversation. The next circle, the inner circle, is composed of the few we trust, who know us well and accept us, warts and all. Of course, there can be many varying circles in between, but you get the idea.
People move in and out of those circles, some disappearing altogether. We drift into our own lives and circumstances, lose touch with people who were once a big part of our regular routine. I have a friend who lives in Oregon, and we speak about once per year, on average, but when we connect, it's like we're picking up where we left off.
I also have a local friend with whom I'm on the phone at least weekly and see often. And I have friends who live too far away, but we email back and forth, and we talk on the phone about once a month. These are friendships that weather many of life's storms and defy time and distance.
And there are friends I've lost. In the movie I mentioned, two friends become estranged after one betrays the other. When I let someone into that inner circle of friendship, I call them chosen family, and it really sucks hard when someone in that haven chooses to stab me in the back.
It happens, though. It's part of living, though it doesn't get talked about too much. I lost a friend to betrayal over four years ago, and though I've analyzed the circumstances of her turn to the Dark Side a hundred times or more, it still doesn't make sense that a woman I considered sister, a woman who stood with me at my wedding, could throw me away like so much garbage.
To this day, I find myself surprised by it all. I expected her to come to her senses, to apologize like the woman in the movie, to admit that what she did to me sucked, that she acted out of jealousy, that she wouldn't want to lose me.
But she didn't, and she's not the only one.
Being betrayed has taught me a lot about living honestly, owning my choices, not asking other people to carry my shit. Friendship is precious, and people are not expendable or replaceable. I've had to accept my former friend's choice not to value me and the relationship we built over eight years of sharing pieces of our lives with each other.
That doesn't mean I don't miss the friend I thought she was, and it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt sometimes.
But it does also make me so grateful for the friends I have. So many women, and a few men, who enrich my life in ways too numerous to mention.
Good friendship is a whole lotta good fortune. I'm a lucky girl.
Copyright 2008 Melissa LaFavers