Yesterday was a very bad day for me, emotionally. I've previously mentioned some health concerns I've got, and I'm not quite ready to be publicly specific about those. For now, it's sufficient to say that sometimes I get very scared indeed about certain health issues, and yesterday was one of those days.
Fear swallowed me whole, and I was having a hard time swimming back up its dark, sticky gullet. I don't really pray, but last night, as Daniel held me while I cried like a child, I quietly asked Dad for help, for a sign, for knowledge that it was going to be okay.
This morning, I kept the car because I didn't feel like being alone in the house was a good idea. I went to Biggby Coffee for a bit of breakfast. (Their hazelnut brew is really tasty, in case you're a coffee drinker.) I sat and wrote in my journal for awhile, and I decided that I need to be brave. I need to face my fear head-on, and the thing that I believe gives me the most power, darlings, is knowledge.
I went to Borders and looked at their health section. I braced myself for more epic accounts of gloom and doom related to my particular health concern. But what I found were two books that, as I read the first few pages, planted some strong saplings of pure and good hope.
Hope, yeah.
Here are some things I need to remember, and here are some things I can do so I don't feel so helpless and drowned by a reality I wouldn't choose for people I loathe, much less myself.
And with some good ol' fashioned sunshine and water, that hope's going to grow stronger and bigger and heartier.
And maybe, just maybe, I'm going to be okay.
(Thanks, Dad.)
Copyright 2008 Melissa LaFavers